“ I don’t know how to love Myself” –

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarkatahu,

‘Self-love’

I’ve always been struggling through this phase of loving myself.

I’ve always looked at myself from the eyes of the society, looking out for that minute fault to not love myself; which was absolutely wrong.

Yesterday as I was pondering about this thought of Self-Love and how I neglected it all my life,

I met this friend of mine, we had this small chat and she asked me, “ Faizah, weren’t you over-critical about yourself, you actually didn’t really love yourself,

But now that doesn’t reflect from you, how?

Because, I don’t know how to love myself.”

For a moment, I paused, smiled and wondered, how stupid I was to actually hate myself and I asked her,

“Why do you find it difficult to love yourself?”

She said, “I don’t even know if it’s right for me to love myself”

I could actually see how conflicted she was, I could see myself(I.e few months ago) in her through her eyes.

I think one of the biggest problem about the concept of Self-Love is when one confuse it with Narcissism, with Arrogance and with Vanity.

But Self-Love, now, to me is about getting to know ourselves through how Allah wants us to know ourselves, and not how the society wants us to view or judge ourselves.

Because Allah(Subhanwata’la) tells us that we are created in the best of forms. (95:4)

But the society on the other hand is telling us that we are not beautiful enough, that we are not perfect enough, that we are never fill in the blank enough.

It took me really really long to actually understand this concept.

It is very important for us to not detach ourselves from this journey of Self-love, as being separate from The Loving Allah(Subhanwata’la)

Because Self-Love, when done with the right intentions is an act of Worship,

It’s an Ibaadah.

I would like you to think of Self-Love within the frame work of these 3 questions,

# 1 Ask yourself, what do you love about yourself?

I asked the same question to my friend, she very shyly said, “ I Love my smile.”

And I said, “ Masha Allah, that’s beautiful!

Now just link back the fact that you love your smile, to Allah”

How do you even smile in the first place?

Because Allah(Subhanwata’la) has softened your heart for you to want to smile.

Anything and everything that we love about ourselves, we should always remember that it’s a gift and it’s a blessing that Allah had given us.

So again, to always link back this process of self-love to Allah(Subhanwata’la)

# 2 you can ask yourself, “ How do I start loving myself?”

You see, when you start loving yourself, you would want to choose only the best for yourself.

Meaning, you start eating better,

You start sleeping better, you start learning better and you do everything in moderation.

Because you’re trying to be kind to yourself and to your body.

So in essence, how you love yourself, is through taking better care of yourself, spiritually, mentally and physically.

Now When you do all of that, you are actually practicing one of our beloved Rasulallah SAW’s Sunnah.

Once, when Rasulallah SAW found out that one of his companions, Abdullah Ibn Amr RA, fasted all day and he prayed all night, without taking a rest –

He SAW went to him and said,

“Don’t do that!

Fast and then break your fast,

Pray Qiyam and then sleep.

For your body has a right over you,

Your eyes have a right over you.”

Self-Love is knowing that our body and ourselves have a right over us, that it’s our responsibility or our Amanah, to take care of this vessel that Allah has loaned us.

So see how beautiful Self-love is when done with right intentions –

You are not only honouring the body that Allah has given you, but you’re also honouring Rasulallah SAW by following his Sunnah.

# 3 this is the most important of all, “why do you Love yourself?”

When answering this question, again link it back to Allah(Subhanwata’la).

The only reason why we should love ourselves is because Allah in his Infinite wisdom has chosen us to be here in this world.

And I’m gonna repeat this, because sometimes we forget, that just being here in this world is a huge, huge honour.

Allah(Subhanwata’la), The lord of the entire Universe, He has chosen us to be a part of this exquisite system, and He has gifted you with infinite possibilities and potentials.

You being here today, Alive and breathing is Allah trying to tell you that you are needed and you matter.

You’re important and you’re necessary- that’s why you should love yourself.

I read something very beautiful the other day,

It was something along the lines of, “we are all a thread in the tapestry of Allah, and if any single thread were to be pulled out, then the tapestry would fall apart, and would no longer be perfect.”

So yeah, in the larger context of things, we may be small, tiny human beings, but without us the world would be different.

So I hope we will all start realising that we are all necessary and that we all have something beautiful to offer to the greater good of this world.

And I think that’s the kind of mindset that you should have when you want to start your journey of Self-Love.

We are all Flaw-some.

We should accept that we all have flaws, because we are humans and we should try to work on them.

But we must also remember that we are Awesome

And Self-Love is essentially about celebrating Our Flaw-some Self!

It’s not narcissism, it’s not Arrogance

Because that has no place in the Deen of Allah.

But Self-loathing and Self-hate is also not what Islam is all about.

I want to end this slightly long blog post by making a sincere prayer, that may we always link everything back to Allah(Subhanwata’la) in our adventure of Self-Love.

To loving yourself and everyone else,

Love and prayers always,

F

My 15 tips for Ramadan ✨

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarkatahu,

Ramadan Mubarak to one and all

All praises are meant for Allah the Lord of Worlds, We are fortunate to have Ramadan The Blessed Month of Mercy and Forgiveness back in our lives once again. This month excels all other months regarding sublimity and nobility.

It’s sublime because it is the month of Allah, and it’s noble because it revives our souls as rainwater revives the parched and barren earth.

Our souls, due to excess of sins and negligence of Allah’s remembrance, become unresponsive to the remembrance of Allah and words of guidance.

Ramadan, The Month of Mercy and Forgiveness, brings back life in our souls with fasting, prayers, reading of holy Quran, abstinence from sins, and increased remembrance of Allah.

As each moment of this glorious month is vitally important, we should make all our efforts to receive maximum benefit from this blessed month. Here are a few simple tips put forth,

In sha Allah may help for betterment of all.

Disclaimer: I’m not a scholar, Just a believer striving towards betterment.

1. Say Alhumdulilah for another Ramadan ✨

2. Make a sincere intention to forgive everyone and be willing to change for betterment.

3. Clean your home/room/ prayer place because cleanliness is a form of ibaadah

4. Offer your 5 obligatory prayers and also voluntary prayers for maximum reward and make lots of dua, especially during Tajjhud and right before Iftaar.

5. Read read read Quran everyday

6. Help around in the house everyday, especially our mothers who constantly work for our comfort.

7. Be kind to everyone, avoid arguments, swearing or any form of foul talk.

8. Learn a new Surah(by heart) everyday and understand it’s meaning (authentic sources available over internet) and make small personal goals of learning something beneficial.

9. Limit time on social media or any other distractions and unnecessary social gatherings.

10. Give a little charity everyday, even if it’s a Rupee, small deeds done consistently go in a long run.

11. If you’ve Exams/ work load/ or any other straining job don’t be disheartened, With fasting and Ibaadah, Allah will surely put barakah in your time and effort.

12. Don’t skip suhoor, stated by our beloved Rasulallah SAW that there is great blessing in suhoor. Make sure you get proper sleep and eat healthy, don’t oversleep and over eat, remember this month is to fuel your heart with soul food which is The Quran.

13. Read/listen to the seerah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW

14. Stay hydrated, drink lots of water between Iftaar and sehri. Take care of your health.

15. Lastly, make every minute count. Use every opportunity to make lots of dua, offer salah and taraweeh, read Quran, do lots of dhikr, and get closer to Allah. This month better yourself to your maximum capacity and make sure you continue it also after Ramadan. We do not know if we’ll get a chance to be a part of next Ramadan. Say Alhumdulilah and get going.

I pray before Allah to forgive us for all our past sins and accept our ibaadah,

May this Ramadan be our best one, by getting closer to Allah and achieve our ultimate goal of Jannah.

Ameen 🤲🏻

Love and prayers always,

F

Love for the sake of Allah ❤️ –

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum Waramatuallahi Wabarkatahu,

I had a totally different blog post planned for today.

But lately, so many of my friends are getting Married, Masha Allah! I’m in total Awww!

May Allah(Subhanwata’la) bless all of them Married or the ones to get Married to have a Blessed and Happy Married life and May Allah protect them all from evil eye and jealousy,

Ameen.

So today, Let’s talk about Love ❤️

Love:

It’s a very beautiful and Natural phenomenon, which comes with a lot of understanding,affection, compassion, forgiveness, trust and willingness to stay irrespective of the situation.

Love isn’t easy,

Feelings are fleeting,

but we should sure give our all and

Love deeply and fiercely just the same.

But all of this not out of selfish reasons – not because it feels good for us, or it feels right for us, or it looks good on us,

But only because,

Love comes from Allah

And we all came from Him.

So everyone deserves to be loved.

Indeed, Love is a blessing.

One of my friend once told me,

“.. but some people are harder to love”

And with that I said, “ they’re the ones we must love even more”

Because,

Love for the sake of Allah ❤️

Meaning, when you feel someone you love them for Allah’s sake, you cut yourself out of the equation altogether – it’s not about you at all now, but your love for them is only to earn His pleasure I.e Allah(Subhanwata’la)

And whatever you sacrifice for that love even it’s important, it’s not because you want something in return or even to be acknowledged or to be recognised,

But solely to attain Allah’s Love and His Mercy.

When you love someone for Allah’s sake, you are kind, sincere , patient and non- judgemental no matter what.

They’re in your prayers, mostly in secret

And you’re always protecting their name and honour in their absence.

Loving someone for Allah’s sake is the most purest and the most selfless form of relationship and when we profess that we love other fisabilillah, our hearts should tremble in realisation of the depth and profoundness of its meaning and implications, because it is terribly hard to do.

There may be ups and downs but

Love always, always wins.

I mean how can it not?

It’s source is from The All-Mighty, The All-Powerful, The Ever-providing, The Most Compassionate –

it’s from Allah(Subhanwata’la) Himself ❤️

I just love the fact,

In Islam we don’t have the concept of

“Till death do us apart”

But

“Till Jannah unites us together”

And if that’s not beautiful I don’t know what is.

Many of what we call ‘love stories’ today are nothing more than stories of desire, possession, physical attraction disguised as love.

Yet, I can find no love story more powerful, more spiritually uplifting and more inspiring as that of Our Beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW and Khadija RA.

Because what they had was nothing but True love –

To have the unflinching support and trust in a marriage,

To know you have that one person in your corner when the world seems to be against you and moreover when the bond is blessed by Allah(Subhanwata’la) and when the purpose is to please Allah.

Walk hand in hand in Jannah, even if there are plenty thorns in that path, that hand holding yours tugs you forward,

The one to whom you can expose your fears and they cover them with so much comfort that all things seem possible thereafter.

We look for stories of love in places of dark and cold when we have a guiding light for the whole world to behold.

I don’t want what Romeo and Juliet had, I want what Muhammad SAW and Khadija RA had. ❤️

Lastly,

Our purpose is to always, always serve and please Allah(Subhanwata’la).

It’s doesn’t matter if you’re single, married, whatsoever – they’re all labels or merely worldly statuses.

It’s doesn’t define us.

But our role and status as Allah’s slaves is forever.

And that is the status,

that should shape us and influence how we live our day to day life.

May Allah(Subhanwata’la) give us hidayat to Love one another for Allah’s sake and

I sincerely pray that every Love Story reaches the destination of Nikah,

Ameen.

Our beloved Prophet SAW said,

“There is no better thing than Nikah for two people who love one another”

Love and prayers always,

F

Patience is a Virtue –

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarkatahu,

I don’t know if it’s just me or many others who feel the same in this state.

Well, I’m talking about impatience, anxiety and constant worry about the future.

I recently completed my internship;

Graduation: done and dusted,

Now what next?

Prepare for PG entrance, Work for experience or just wait for a Miracle?

Oh yes! I do believe in Miracles

Because, Du’a can do Miracles 🤲🏻

But I’ve become so impatient, anxious and waiting for the things to fall in place.

Am I frustrated?

Well, I was until one day, I asked myself,

“Why are you being an idiot and wasting your time, just waiting around doing nothing?”

It’s one of those, “smack-your-own-forehead” moments you know?

I realised that instead of complaining and moping around, I could actually get a lot of other things done.

Funnily enough, one of the things that I got to do amidst that non-stop anxiety, was actually ponder about the concept of ‘Waiting’.

Life is one huge waiting game.

We are always waiting for something – The cab, a text message, the next holiday, forgiveness etc etc.

We are constantly waiting for someone too – a colleague, a friend, the love of our lives…

But I think we’ve been ‘Waiting’ the wrong way, Because if we have been putting our lives on a pause as we wait and if we’re burdened ourselves by persistently overthinking as we wait, then we haven’t quite learned how to wait with grace.

I think the ‘Wait’ gets torturous when we start questioning Allah’s plans for us, When we start to wonder if He even has the best interest in our lives, Because If He did then why isn’t it happening anytime soon? 😔

If this thought has flashed across our mind atleast once, then we have failed

Because the real test lies in the ‘Waiting’.

I learned that what you do as you wait, says a lot about yourself and your faith.When you wait with 100% trust in Allah’s plans, gratitude takes over the place of anxiousness. Because you know with full conviction that He is just preparing you for what He has already perfectly planned for you, and for that you are forever thankful.

When you wait with beautiful patience, you understand that Allah keeps no one waiting unless He sees that there is Only Goodness within the wait.

Sometimes the ultimate reward is not so much in what or who you’ve been waiting for, but rather in how you’ve delicately transformed and blossomed as you wait.

It’s unfortunate that ‘waiting’ has been given such a bad name and reputation. It’s only been associated with hopelessness, pain and/ or uncertainty.

But our Deen teaches us the contrary!

Our Deen teaches us that whoever practices patience during the wait, is someone who not only has Allah as their Ally but also someone who is beloved to Allah.

What more do we need if we have the one who is the All-knowing( Al-Alim) and the Ultimate- provider( Ar-Razzaq), taking care of us and loving us?

But how exactly do we wait with beautiful patience, you may ask?

We all know that Allah always does something with a beautiful purpose. He taught us what is beautiful patience through the very word itself – SABR.

In Arabic, the word ‘Sabr’ means to confine, or to contain.

According to Ibn Qayyim, it is to contain the soul from despair and worry, and to confine the tongues from complaints and discontentment.

So as we wait for anything and everything in our lives,

I pray that, May Allah(Subhanwata’la) allow us to busy ourselves through filling our souls with getting to know Him and Our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW

So that it leaves us no time to worry or to be in despair over what may or may not happen in future.

I pray that may our tongues be constantly moist in remembrance of Allah(Subhanwata’la) so that it leaves us no space to sigh or to complain.

I also pray that He grant us the guidance and the clarity to know the difference between something or someone that deserves our patience or our gratitude.

Also, if you think about it, what do you call someone who waits?

A wait-er?

And what does a waiter do?

He serves.

And perhaps that may just be it.

As you wait, serve.

Serve your parents, serve your family, serve your community, but ultimately, serve Allah and then see how your wait will stop being painful, but peaceful instead.

Lastly,

Life May be a constant waiting game, but if we play it right and play it well, We can win not just the entire level but possibly get the ‘Highest score’ of attaining Jannah too.

In sha Allah.

And Ofcourse, Patience is a Virtue, which was stated by my loved one.

To waiting more gracefully,

Love and prayers always,

F

Forgiveness – The beauty of Islam

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum Waramatuallahi Wabarkatahu,

Alhumdulilah, we’re so blessed that Ramadan is just round the corner.

The month of ibaadah, blessings and forgiveness.

May Allah(Subhanwata’la) bless us all to be a part of it and completely.

Okay so let me start with sharing an incident,

A wise woman once told me, that all of us are more similar than we think.

She said, “We share between us intrinsic traits that only us humans can feel”

Which means

We all struggle,

We all worry

And We all feel pain.

On top of that,

We also crave Love and Companionship.

We just want to feel like we belong.

I’ve always gone back to this truth time and time again, because it has always given me this sense of re-assurance to know that there is someone above i.e Allah(Subhanwata’la) who understands exactly how I feel.

Going back to the incident,

I think the wise woman forgot one thing that we all have in common,

Which is that We All Sin.

Me, you, him, her, We All Sin.

We just sin differently.

But it’s funny how we forget this sometimes, especially when we busy ourselves, mocking and highlighting other people’s flaws, forgetting that we too are more than capable of making mistakes, or what about when we start judging?

And we feel we’re better and superior than others.

Just because they were caught doing this, that and the other, doesn’t mean we are free from sins.

It just means we are extremely blessed because Allah(Subhanwata’la) has hidden our flaws.

Imagine if he exposed your sins too – because he certainly has the power to do that,

But you know what else Allāh(Subhanwata’la) can do?

He can guide and He can soften any Heart.

Allah(Subhanwata’la) can forgive, because His Mercy knows no bounds.

And Allah(Subhanwata’la) loves the one who repents, like no other and raises his status.

So if He can forgive and love his slaves,

Who are we to punish and judge?

Who are we to mock or ridicule?

Instead, we should Pray.

Pray for the sinner,

Pray for his guidance,

Pray for his acceptance

Because you are a fellow sinner too.

Just as I am.

Just as we all are.

So my dear, Forgive and reconcile before it’s too late,

Because we’re Allah’s slaves and Ummah of our beloved Prophet Muhammah(SAW) who was extremely forgiving too.

In the Holy Quran Allah(Subhanwata’la) says, “ … And let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like Allah should forgive you?

And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful” (24:22)

From this Ayah, I’ve learned that Allah(Subhanwata’la) is all forgiving and pardoning and we should seek forgiveness from Him and forgive other too.

Lastly,

May be my name is written in the list of those people who shall die this year, and may be I’ll never see you again, so I sincerely apologise to every one of you out there, who I’ve hurt intentionally or unintentionally, I’m extremely sorry. Please forgive and accept me with all your heart and I’ll do the same without an apology. 🤲🏻

Love and prayers always,

F

A letter to the frustrated believer –

 

بِسْمِاللهِالرَّحْمٰنِالرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum Waramatuallahi Wabarkatahu, 

Here is a letter written to myself a few days ago, at my lowest 

and also for the few others who can relate to the struggle, 

Making an effort and taking small steps towards positivity. 

Here it goes, 

To my dearest Struggler, 

I’m writing this letter with only one intention in my heart, 

To tell you that you are not alone in this struggle. 

I can see how frustrated you are, 

You wake up every morning, not knowing why you’re even alive, 

And you go about your day to day, lost and in a slumber. 

When night embraces you, you lie awake, sleepless, 

Because you’ve a zillion thoughts and questions running through your mind. 

Questions like, 

“Is Allah even listening?

Is he pushing me away? 

Is he punishing me? 

Doesn’t he know that day by day, I’m slowly starting to lose myself?“

I see that you’ve tried your very hardest, you pushed yourself to only have positive thoughts. 

You’ve tried to hang out with people whom you think will make you feel closer to him. 

You’ve visited places of worship and peace, experienced the exquisite beauty with your own eyes.

And have also embraced the Hijab with all your heart and mind, 

But, you still feel LOST! 

Everyday you feel like a hypocrite, 

Muslim by name, but not a believer by heart. 

But my dear, having faith is not about ticking off a list of things to do, 

Neither does the journey of believing Allah follow a certain formula.

It does, however, 

Start with the Heart❤️

But why doesn’t my Heart feel anything? 

What am I doing wrong? 

And to this, 

I just wanna say, as long as you’re trying, you’re doing nothing wrong.

The only small bit where you’re wrong is that, you think your Heart feels nothing. 

That’s not true! 

Because this frustration, this confusion and this desperation you feel is the very proof that your Heart is actually aching for the Creator! 

Your heart is giving you clues that it misses The One and Only. 

Her Rabb. 

The very reason of existence.

I promise you my love, that at this very moment as I’m writing this letter to you, Allah (Subhanwata’la) is in the midst of working out something so so beautiful for you. 

You just can’t see it yet. 

It’s like how the lead character in the movies has no idea what the next scene is about, it’s the same rather much more bigger. 

You’re the Hero of your life. 

You’ve no clue what’s coming up next. 

 Because Allah(Subhanwata’la), The Most Merciful and The Most Compassionate, is the one directing your very own life story. 

And He Loves you!! 

More than anything in this world

So wouldn’t you think that he’ll give you

Your very own ‘Happy Ending’ too? 

So don’t despair okay? 

Because He sees and He knows Everything that you’re been going through. 

Have faith that there is beauty in the struggle. 

And just continue speaking to Him everyday. 

Share about the Big and Small things in your life,

Tell Him your secrets, your worries and make Him your first and last thought of your day.

Continue to do this, 

Until one day you’ll soon start to realise that, 

All this while The One that you’ve been seeking so hard to find, has actually always been right beside you. 

So when things get hard, promise me you’ll try to remember that Allah(Subhanwata’la ) has never left you okay? 

He never does and never ever will. 

Allah (Subhanwata’la) says in the Holy Quran,“Indeed I’m near” 

“Indeed I’m Near. 

 I answer the prayers of the supplicant, when he calls upon me. 

So let them respond to me

And believe in Me.

So that they may be rightly guided”

(2:186) 

‘Wallahi,

 If Allah(Subhanwata’la)has written something for you, then not a single person in creation is able to prevent it.

So relax and Believe in Him and His plans’ 

And lastly, 

Sometimes people with the worst past create the best Future –

(Umar bin Khattab) 

Love and prayers always, 

If There Was One Thing I Wish For All –

بِسْمِاللهِالرَّحْمٰنِالرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum Waramatuallahi Wabarkatahu, 

I don’t know why, but lately, I’ve been thinking about my past a lot. Not in a nostalgic, I miss it kinda way, but more of in a “Alhamdulillah, He has pulled me out of the darkness” kind of way. Maybe it’s because we are nearing Ramadan, or maybe it’s because I’ve been at the receiving end of sadness recently, but my heart has been stirring, and some days, when my forehead touches the ground, I could feel my heart whispering, “just a few years ago, Faizah,you weren’t even praying. Do you realise how much of a blessing it is to be in sujood? In prostration towards your Lord?” 

 😔

If there’s one thing that I fear most, is Allah pulling back this blessing of guidance that He has bestowed on me. I pray with all my heart that it will never happen to me, you or anyone in this world. Imagine being given the best, most precious gift in the entire Universe, the gift of faith, and then losing it because you were careless or unappreciative of the gift, or the Giver. Imagine letting something so beautiful and so delicate slip away from your heart because you were too distracted by garbage and trash. Imagine being given the transformative power of light but you dim it all away because you were too swayed by the flickering streetlights.

You may think no one is that foolish, but this is exactly what’s happening each time we choose the enjoyment of the temporal Dunia, over the peacefulness and joy of having faith.

We are throwing away something beautiful, for something baseless. 

Something firm, for something flimsy. 

Something honourable, for something unworthy.

😦

I realised something beautiful the other day as I was pondering about this. When I traced back to the very first moment where I tasted the sweetness of faith, I was actually in a state of repentance.I was crying my heart out, begging Him to hold me close, even though for the longest time all I’ve been doing was ignoring His calls and His signs.

I still remember that night, it was the first time I ever felt the warm embrace of faith

But it wasn’t in a mosque or in Makkah, though I wish it was or something. 

In fact, I was shriveled on my bedroom floor, whimpering. My heart never felt such pain, my body never felt so weak, and my mind never felt such lethargy. That day, I’ve lost all will to live but the only thing keeping me alive was this… inexplicable tenderness that came from a tiny voice in my heart. 

She said, “call out to Allah, Faizah. Try. Even if you’ve never spoken to Him before. Just try calling out to Him just this time.”

I closed my eyes and as tears kept rolling down my face, I started praying in utter desperation – for the first time in my ignorant life.

My heart heaved, up and down, up and down, and the only word that I could muster was “Astaghfirullah” –I seek forgiveness from Allah.

I kept repeating it over and over again, Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah”.

That moment, as I was sprawled on the cold floor, sobbing my eyes out, was the first time I sought forgiveness from Allah. 

It was my very first repentance. 

I sought forgiveness for all of the sins I’ve done over and over again without shame or regret. 

I sought forgiveness for all of the times I’ve been ungrateful to the blessings He has bestowed unto me. 

I sought forgiveness for giving my heart away so carelessly to things or people who have pulled me far away from Him.

I sought forgiveness for my arrogance, for my hard-heartedness, for my smugness of thinking I am self-sufficient. 

But most of all, I sought forgiveness for being an unworthy slave of His, despite His never-ending showers of Mercy towards me. 

And I don’t know what happened after, but I could feel something gentle enveloping me, and just like a gentle breeze blowing in a warm summer’s night, an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace cradled me to sleep. 

The next morning when I woke up, I was still laying on the floor, but instead of feeling this heaviness that I’ve been feeling the past months, I felt… renewed. 

And hopeful.

But most of all, I felt, loved. 

And something surprising happened – after long periods of sadness, I finally found a source of happness right under my nose. I started to smile. 🙂

For the longest time, I thought the word “repentance” reeked of sin and evilness. But I have now learned that the act of repentance is the doorway to being closer to Allah, because He says in the Quran Himself, that He “loves those who are constantly repentant”. (2:222)

And that is what I wish for all of us – the blessing to be chosen as a repentant. Because with repentance, our hard hearts soften, our tears wash away our sins, and our humility towards Allah can break the shackles of our arrogance.

I read something beautiful the other day:

“In english, “repentance” is a forbidding word that suggests apuritanicall finality. But in Arabic, the term tawba is dynamic, meaning to turn or return. Al-tawwab is one of the 99 names of God and it means the “Oft-Returning”. Meaning it is an active constant, an ongoing reality that renews every moment we are alive. – Michael Sugich

So we don’t just repent once in our lives – it’s another form of worship that we have to do consistently. Because for as long as we are alive, we will sin, and if the best man who has ever lived, our Prophet Muhammad SAW, repented and asked for forgiveness from Allah SWT 70 times in a day, how often do we, the nobodies of this world, then seek forgiveness from our Rabb? 

Whenever I feel distant and far away from Allah, I remember that night I was lying on the floor. I remember how He has saved me and sheltered me as I rebuild my faith and my life. I remember my desperate, but sincere act of repentance. 

And just like that, my tongue will soften and say, Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah”. 

Repeatedly, over and over.

Till I feel Him again in my heart.

I pray may we always be given the blessing to realise our flaws and our sins before it’s too late, and to seek repentance over and over again with the hopes that we can meet our Creator with a pure heart and a clean slate, 

Ameen. 

Love and prayers always, 

F.