If There Was One Thing I Wish For All –

بِسْمِاللهِالرَّحْمٰنِالرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum Waramatuallahi Wabarkatahu, 

I don’t know why, but lately, I’ve been thinking about my past a lot. Not in a nostalgic, I miss it kinda way, but more of in a “Alhamdulillah, He has pulled me out of the darkness” kind of way. Maybe it’s because we are nearing Ramadan, or maybe it’s because I’ve been at the receiving end of sadness recently, but my heart has been stirring, and some days, when my forehead touches the ground, I could feel my heart whispering, “just a few years ago, Faizah,you weren’t even praying. Do you realise how much of a blessing it is to be in sujood? In prostration towards your Lord?” 

 😔

If there’s one thing that I fear most, is Allah pulling back this blessing of guidance that He has bestowed on me. I pray with all my heart that it will never happen to me, you or anyone in this world. Imagine being given the best, most precious gift in the entire Universe, the gift of faith, and then losing it because you were careless or unappreciative of the gift, or the Giver. Imagine letting something so beautiful and so delicate slip away from your heart because you were too distracted by garbage and trash. Imagine being given the transformative power of light but you dim it all away because you were too swayed by the flickering streetlights.

You may think no one is that foolish, but this is exactly what’s happening each time we choose the enjoyment of the temporal Dunia, over the peacefulness and joy of having faith.

We are throwing away something beautiful, for something baseless. 

Something firm, for something flimsy. 

Something honourable, for something unworthy.

😦

I realised something beautiful the other day as I was pondering about this. When I traced back to the very first moment where I tasted the sweetness of faith, I was actually in a state of repentance.I was crying my heart out, begging Him to hold me close, even though for the longest time all I’ve been doing was ignoring His calls and His signs.

I still remember that night, it was the first time I ever felt the warm embrace of faith

But it wasn’t in a mosque or in Makkah, though I wish it was or something. 

In fact, I was shriveled on my bedroom floor, whimpering. My heart never felt such pain, my body never felt so weak, and my mind never felt such lethargy. That day, I’ve lost all will to live but the only thing keeping me alive was this… inexplicable tenderness that came from a tiny voice in my heart. 

She said, “call out to Allah, Faizah. Try. Even if you’ve never spoken to Him before. Just try calling out to Him just this time.”

I closed my eyes and as tears kept rolling down my face, I started praying in utter desperation – for the first time in my ignorant life.

My heart heaved, up and down, up and down, and the only word that I could muster was “Astaghfirullah” –I seek forgiveness from Allah.

I kept repeating it over and over again, “Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah”.

That moment, as I was sprawled on the cold floor, sobbing my eyes out, was the first time I sought forgiveness from Allah. 

It was my very first repentance. 

I sought forgiveness for all of the sins I’ve done over and over again without shame or regret. 

I sought forgiveness for all of the times I’ve been ungrateful to the blessings He has bestowed unto me. 

I sought forgiveness for giving my heart away so carelessly to things or people who have pulled me far away from Him.

I sought forgiveness for my arrogance, for my hard-heartedness, for my smugness of thinking I am self-sufficient. 

But most of all, I sought forgiveness for being an unworthy slave of His, despite His never-ending showers of Mercy towards me. 

And I don’t know what happened after, but I could feel something gentle enveloping me, and just like a gentle breeze blowing in a warm summer’s night, an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace cradled me to sleep. 

The next morning when I woke up, I was still laying on the floor, but instead of feeling this heaviness that I’ve been feeling the past months, I felt… renewed. 

And hopeful.

But most of all, I felt, loved. 

And something surprising happened – after long periods of sadness, I finally found a source of happness right under my nose. I started to smile. 🙂

–

For the longest time, I thought the word “repentance” reeked of sin and evilness. But I have now learned that the act of repentance is the doorway to being closer to Allah, because He says in the Quran Himself, that He “loves those who are constantly repentant”. (2:222)

And that is what I wish for all of us – the blessing to be chosen as a repentant. Because with repentance, our hard hearts soften, our tears wash away our sins, and our humility towards Allah can break the shackles of our arrogance.

I read something beautiful the other day:

“In english, “repentance” is a forbidding word that suggests apuritanicall finality. But in Arabic, the term tawba is dynamic, meaning to turn or return. Al-tawwab is one of the 99 names of God and it means the “Oft-Returning”. Meaning it is an active constant, an ongoing reality that renews every moment we are alive. – Michael Sugich

So we don’t just repent once in our lives – it’s another form of worship that we have to do consistently. Because for as long as we are alive, we will sin, and if the best man who has ever lived, our Prophet Muhammad SAW, repented and asked for forgiveness from Allah SWT 70 times in a day, how often do we, the nobodies of this world, then seek forgiveness from our Rabb? 

Whenever I feel distant and far away from Allah, I remember that night I was lying on the floor. I remember how He has saved me and sheltered me as I rebuild my faith and my life. I remember my desperate, but sincere act of repentance. 

And just like that, my tongue will soften and say, “Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah”. 

Repeatedly, over and over.

Till I feel Him again in my heart.

I pray may we always be given the blessing to realise our flaws and our sins before it’s too late, and to seek repentance over and over again with the hopes that we can meet our Creator with a pure heart and a clean slate, 

Ameen. 

Love and prayers always, 

F.